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Hell diary - very first entry



2004 October 23 Saturday.
No time to blog. Too busy with my Candidate's Course at the Executive Training Center. We're doing the Baby Challenge Module, the one where they get you to look after a real live baby for periods of time which can stretch out to as long as twenty minutes. I didn't know that there were babies in Hell


2004 October 16 Saturday.
I don't want to dwell on the operation. After all, every damned soul in Hell has at least one "this was just so terrible" story, and they tend to pall after a while, don't they? So I won't go into the details. I'll just outline the highlights.


2004 September 17 Friday.
The progress of my disease was this: first, I had little spurts of superheated blood coming out of my nose. Then, instead of blood, I began to output water. Superheated water. Mostly from my mouth, in capricious outjumpings. The fear being that this was contagious, I was incarcerated in Hell's quarantine hospital


2004 July 24 Saturday.
So there I was, lying in my bed in Hell's quarantine hospital, all along in the dark, unless you count the thing on the bed to the right. And then I heard someone coming smiling toward me through the gloom


2004 July 20 Tuesday.
Well. That was unpleasant. But the thing is gone now. It's been gone for at least five hours. And the cavity in my chest is starting to heal


2004 July 19 Monday.
I have the strangest feeling that there is a telephone ringing somewhere. But it is too dark to hear the phone ring.


2004 July 18 Sunday.
The hospital ward is very quiet. The TV is showing, and has been showing for some hours now, a black-and-white picture


2004 July 16 Friday.
I'm lying here in a bed in the quarantine hospital, which has to be one of the most terrifying places in Hell, trying to ignore what the surgeons are doing with a chainsaw


2004 July 14 Wednesday.
Yesterday there was confidence training, which involved piranhas


2004 July 12 Monday.
So I survived rock climbing. Sort of. I suppose having one eye is better than having none.


2004 July 10 Saturday.
Every five minutes or so my feet keep bursting into flames and I have to beat at them frantically to extinguish the conflagration. This as a consequence of this morning's fire walking session


2004 July 09 Friday.
When you get hungry enough, you'll eat anything, and I was eating a couple of cakes of mud (this "being a fugitive" business is no fun at all) when suddenly a bloodstained man


2004 July 08 Thursday.
I was hiding out in the public library, the nearest thing that Hell has to a lunatic asylum, when this really big guy with two gangrenous arms


2004 July 07 Wednesday.
I was brought before the Tribunal, a consortium of AIs, sometimes nine of them and sometimes a dozen. Each was in the form of a three-bladed fan


2004 July 06 Tuesday.
And what happened next was that I was abruptly shoeboxed. That's the only word for it. Doubled up, folded eightfold, crushed, bundled, compressed, then squashed into a rectangular prison


2004 May 18 Tuesday.
Something strange has been happening. One after another, they've been vanishing, all my coworkers. There's nobody here now but me. Me and the Big Boss. And the Big Boss


2004 March 13 Saturday.
Today Martha (as our green guy still insists on being called) asked why we don't form a labor union. Yeah, that's right, a labour union. Right here in Hell.


2004 March 11 Thursday.
The Big Boss has been getting us new recruits, not all of whom make effective workers. There's a headless body, for example


2004 March 09 Tuesday.
Never underestimate the power of a bad example.


2004 March 08 Monday.
Oops! Today, the Big Boss stopped by my desk and asked where Rumsfeld was. This came as a nasty surprise. I was under the impression that the Big Boss understood that I'd gone and corpsified Rumsfeld, and that it was okay by him. But apparently it's not so.


2004 March 05 Friday.
My God! I stabbed Rumsfeld! I can't believe I did it! He'd gone and read my latest entry online, and he couldn't resist jeering at me, and finally I did it. I snatched up my paperknife, a converted bayonet, and - well, the details are a bit messy.


2004 March 02 Tuesday
Let me tell you why I am in Hell. Let me explain exactly why I have been condemned to internal damnation. (This makes me scream! I meant to write "eternal damnation" but wrote "internal damnation" instead, and now this infernal blogging software won't let me correct the error. Error eternal: welcome to Hell!


2003 December 01 Monday.
I haven't blogged for the longest time. Not since September, in fact. The reason for this gap, of course, is the vomit floods. But everything's been blogging about the vomit floods, and I don't really have anything to add. Except this:-


2003 September 17 Wednesday.
I was sitting in the park today eating a stick of mud - you know, that special yellow mud, the stuff you eat if you're on the Interrupted Calories diet - when one of the Cold Ones went by.


2003 September 16 Tuesday.
I found out. I found out exactly why I'm in Hell. And it's too much. I can't bear it. I won't claim to have lived a perfect life. I know I made errors. Given the chance to do it again, I wouldn't have taken the same path. But - to be here for this? It's not even a crime!


2003 September 15 Monday.
A public holiday, so I went to the South Satanic, the big museum, to see an exhibiton of fossilized buffalo dung


2003 September 14 Sunday.
Sunday. Contrary to my expectations, a real day off. But I find myself


2003 September 13 Saturday.
Saturday, and I was planning to clean up the last of the dead flies, but I got an unexpected telegram ordering me to report to the Genghis Khan Interrogatory Health Clinic for a


2003 September 12 Friday.
Friday evening, and it's over - the ordeal of the last couple of days or so, I mean. There are still a couple of flies, but


2003 September 10 Wednesday.
Today I was out at Marzipan Beach, under orders from the Big Boss to burn down an illegal holiday shack


2003 September 09 Tuesday.
Our e-mail system crashed today


2003 September 08 Monday.
An edict from on high:


2003 September 05 Friday.
Bad news. I got an e-mail from the Big Boss. It just said "For your information," and there was an attachment. I ran the virus scanner on the attachment and then


2003 September 04 Thursday.
"Do you get paid extra for tormenting me?" asked Rumsfeld today. This attack came with no warning, out of nowhere. And I found it hard to handle, because, as I see it, he's the one who's tormenting me


2003 September 03 Wednesday.
"You're torturing me!" said Rumsfeld. This at lunchtime, at the cafeteria. I looked at him in astonishment. I'd been making a special effort to be nice to the guy, to help him adjust to the situation. And now he was accusing me of - of torture?


2003 September 02 Tuesday.
This morning I was hard at work, making good progress on sorting out the mess that Borbatif made of the Caliban Acquisitions business, when my thought processes were interrupted by the most astonishing screaming coming from the cubicle next door


2003 September 01 Monday.
Today a new fish showed up at work, a guy by the name of Rumsfeld. So of course I wondered if he was THE Rumsfeld, but he's not. That's one of the things which annoy me about Hell


2003 August 29 Friday.
Today started out really quietly, and I found myself looking forward to the weekend. The air quality was down, though. Right from early this morning, we've been getting that smoke pollution drifting in from the Old Quarter. Speaking personally, there's something about the smell of burning human hair


2003 August 28 Thursday.
Quiet, boring day spent working. And how we ever worked! The Big Boss declared a Long Day


2003 August 27 Wednesday.
Another lonely evening. Feeling despondent and frustrated. The rules are very clear: you have a choice between celibacy and sex with


2003 August 26 Tuesday.
This morning I was watching that TV show, I forget the name of it, the dumb one with the cannibal mothers eating their babies


2003 August 25 Monday.
This morning, as I was walking to work, I saw a man being eaten alive by a giant spider. It was quite interesting, really. He was chased into a corner formed by two bulky concrete buildings. Then the spider



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